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WEEKENDS |
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| funny jokes page ( ok, i think they're funny ) |
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feel free to email me your favorite jokes. i may put them
here and give you full credit. i do reserve the right to
change them so that they're website friendly !
email them to chuckwilliams103@aol.com
ok, time to start over with some new ones
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
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There was a loving Jewish couple in Brooklyn but they had one problem. No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "This time try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband starts to wave the towel. The athletic young man goes to work with great enthusiasm and soon the wife explodes in an intense, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel. "
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Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me," she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments Andasked, 'How does
that feel'?
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
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A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf "
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Is Sex Work ?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning
briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish
its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how
much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of
work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with
25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at
the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was
in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any
hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
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A young woman in Wildwood, New Jersey was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean .
She went down to Morey's Pier and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I will take good care of you and bring you food every day.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning. That night, in the darkness, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and some fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked... "
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return, he's screwing me"
'He certainly is', the Captain said. 'This is the Cape May Ferry!'
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A doctor was addressing a large audience in London.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High
fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in
our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all which we all have
eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it just once?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake?"
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A woman goes into a tattoo
parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under
the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down
on her inner left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't
mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner
thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there's
nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" |
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